Thursday, February 28, 2013

What could have been.

             My mind is everywhere today. Not sure how to collect my thoughts or even where to start. I'm sick of this cast. I want to just cut the damn thing off and attempt to run down the hallway. I'm sick of asking for help. I'm sick of needing someone to help me shower or get down the stairs. I used to work 7 days a week. Walk all day every day. In one year I put over 30000 miles on my car and since December I have put 0. Feeling stuck is the worst feeling in the world. I want to get my hair done,I want to get my eyebrows done, I want to do ANYTHING that gets me out of the house.

             My emotions are everywhere, We are on cycle 11 TTC. I knew from the very beginning when we had surgery that we had less then a 30% chance. But I had hope. Cycle after cycle I thought to myself that I failed in some way and that he would regret paying all that money we saved to "Fix" me. I am mad at myself some days for wanting it. Things seemed to perk up when we finally got a BFP in late Aug 2012. I allowed to get myself excited and I knew better. Beta after beta and things looked up. I allowed myself to buy an outfit and regret it now since I see that outfit everyday hanging in the closet. But if I put it away it feels like I am putting away the hope with it. I hate disappointing him. He has seemed to have moved on from the MC in September and I haven't. People who are pregnant around me are still pregnant. They are getting ready for baby showers and the nursery and I am here.... sitting on the couch no baby no hope no nothing. I feel like my husband deserves someone who can give him that joy and I have failed. May will come and go and those babies will be born. People will celebrate and post hundreds of pictures daily on facebook of their babies and I will be looking at them lost in thought to what could have been.

           

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